Everyone Has An EQ History - What's Yours?

Note: Though you'll be able to gain much from each post, I do recommend you read them in order. You'll find links to previous posts below.

A Different Kind of Smart - Emotional Intelligence
Part 2:  Everyone Has An EQ History - What's Yours?

EQ (or lack there of) doesn't just magically appear. Whatever state or level of development of our emotional intelligence currently present has a history and it all begins at birth. 

Research suggests that our propensity to develop EQ with ease or with a bit more challenge begins with our genetic heritage.  Genetic heritage provides us with a series of emotional "set points" that determines our temperament.* That's pretty easy to see when we look at the range of natural emotional expressions among very young children.

So as a child, what comprised your emotional expression...loud, quiet, mean, huggy, controlling, assertive, shy? No matter your answer, there is no judgement here. In fact, those qualities are all benign until another person enters the picture; you know that time out of meanness you kicked another 1st grader - oops that wasn't you - that was me!

While we were born with a predisposition to a certain kind of emotional development, the good news is it's not set in stone.  As Carolyn Myss says in her ground-breaking book Anatomy of The Spirit, "Your biology does not have to become your biography."  Brain circuitry is pretty moldable - thank goodness!  

So...let the molding begin!  The next element of your EQ history is comprised of how you experienced and what you were taught about emotions in your family life.  By taught (or messages received) I mean both directly and indirectly. Growing up we were taught emotional lessons - both intended and unintended.

Additionally, other influencers in your molding process were your social experiences.  They all contributed to your lessons and "wiring" period. 

In my workshops we go through a list of those influential elements and it's amazing the ah ha's people get regarding why they function and relate the way they do, and equally important - why other people annoy them or why they get along exceptionally well with someone they barely know. This of course directly impacts team collaboration and the collective productivity of a department and company.

In summary, the whole of your life growing up became the petri dish of your emotional wiring. Yep - that's right - you have a wiring,  a conditioning shaped during your developmental period that created your emotional circuitry and which has ultimately hard-wired your responses to whatever life now throws your way. Whether it's traffic or dealing with a difficult boss, your responses are automatically triggered from your emotional circuitry. 

Those automatic responses are characterized as emotional habits. Those habits comprise your emotional life.

Here's what's crucial to consider: has that circuitry helped or hurt you in your adult life...in having the kind of life you want?  The answer for me and for most is - it's not an all or nothing answer.  Some wiring has served me well and some has not.

One of the first steps to developing a more emotionally intelligent life (and I say it this way because it's my belief it's an ever evolving journey), is building awareness of your current emotional reality and what's shaped it. It's about getting real and being honest with that part of you. Remember our simple definition of emotional intelligence: emotional intelligence is having the ability to learn about emotions and having the skills to deal with them.

Now, what I believe is the ultimate issue in this area of emotional intelligence is not so much the ability to learn, but the willingness to learn. Learning about it means entering personal spaces, memories and personal truths that frankly, in some cases, are extremely difficult to face. I'll write more about this in a later post, along with the impact it has on the workplace 

For now, if you're genuinely interested in learning more and growing in this area, you can first start by taking an inventory of your emotional history. For me it was a fascinating, sometimes painful, and an equally encouraging journey. I discovered I was strong in many ways, proud of the ways I'd handled situations and yet recognized that there are still areas that needed to mature. Awwwh becoming an emotionally mature adult - a life long endeavor.

It's an interesting thought that it's common practice in looking at our past to only see the events of it, not necessarily how we responded to those events and the emotional life shaped by them. I encourage you to do just that.

Next up: What are emotions anyway?
*pg. xiii - Emotional Intelligence, Dr. Goleman
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Previous Posts:
The Announcement post - suggestions on how to follow
Part 1: The introduction post

Twitter: @joanncorley |  Facebook |  This Blog on Kindle |  On the app | Subscribe via email - see top right column | Follow the hash tag #EQ-#EI

Beginning resources for this series:
Book rec. #1 - Emotional Intelligence and his follow-up book related to corporate application Book rec #2  - Working With Emotional Intelligence

Additionally I recommend you take a EQ test yourself - here is a resource for that as well: Book rec #3 - The Quickbook to Emotional Intelligence

My website: Interview questions, studies, and an outline of EQ & Me Workshop that you can bring to your organization.